Most of the time, I trust and know that we are on the right track, moving to Croatia, to support the team working with Roma churches. That is in short the reason why we want to move to Osijek.
But, we are not alone. Jesus called his twelve disciples to bring the gospel to the people, but as far as I know, they didn’t have to deal with family issues or with educational needs for children. And that is where it sometimes triggers me. As I said, most of the time, I trust and know that we are on the right track. But I too can get exhausted, feel fragile, see things hazy and become very anxious.
That happened again to me, earlier this week. I am always a little bit hesitant to share more personal struggles on this blog. But I decided to share again because I don’t want to pretend that everything is “Glory, Hallelujah, Here we come to save the world!” Because that is not the case.
While we were packing for our trip I had a few moments when I escaped and wrote in my journal:
19th of July, Tomorrow we are leaving to Croatia for our final summer trip before our move. Today, I am full of fear, scared and anxious. It is raining outside and my heart is in tune with the weather.
And still.. I prayed that God would give me a confirmation so that I could know that we are doing what He wants us to do. That God would touch me in one or another way. While I was praying I was also filled with doubt: “Well, I turn the Bible as it suits me, and read it from my perspective but what does that help?
I can make a list of all my fears: Do we make the right decisions about the educational needs for the kids? Find a nice teacher for the coming years? Do we find the right house? And enough finances? Will everything work out as we hope it will? Does our being there really make a difference? Messing up my life is one thing, but it is a total different one to mess up the life of our children.
I read my little booklet what I got from Hye- Jin in Canada, earlier this year. The word for the 19th of July is :
“Bring Me all your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn’t have. Fear and anxiety still plague you. Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn’t there. Anxiety that you hide in the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear: a monstrous mutation. Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually loose its foothold within you.”
Surely God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song, He has become my salvation.
And so, this final trip before our move feels as going to a hole in a hedge, not being able to see what is behind, trusting our Leader (with fear) that it will be al right whatever we are facing at the other side of the hole. A big adventure.
That day when I wrote about my fears, and when I found comfort again, it was clear to me again that Someone, although unseen, unimaginably bigger than me, holds us all in His hands. And in that hope we started our journey.
Thank you for your honest words. Praying, and trusting with you.